I’m lucky because I made it home

Trigger Warning: Sexual assault, self-harm, suicidal ideation, anxiety, depression

*update*

3 years down the line and I still get to consider myself one of the lucky ones. Obviously not because I was assaulted but because I still made it home -aka I didn’t get murdered or even critically injured. I’m also lucky because most of the professionals I encountered throughout the reporting process and investigation were understanding and really good at what they did and I am lucky to have had people around me who are just brilliant and supportive people, which sadly is not everyone’s experience.
The case is now closed, they couldn’t find the guy – though they did find his semen on my clothes but seeing as he is not already in the system, he can “have at it” until he commits a crime that he actually gets caught for. Fan-fucking-tastic!
Although he is still out there going unchallenged and although I’m still dealing with the consequences of his actions, it is in many ways a relief. I’m no longer waiting with any kind of hope or expectation for updates via randomly timed phone calls with a police officer I’ve never met who made sure to let me know how busy he was (those calls can really throw you), I won’t have to go to court, I won’t have to explain myself or my history to people I’ve never met and I won’t have to relive the moment in a courtroom where I would likely need to defend my own actions rather than the offender defending his, because as we all know the system does not tend to favour survivors.
While I still don’t feel safe (and looking at the news no woman should) and I still have to live with the consequences of someone else’s actions, at least it feels like it’s over (assuming his DNA never makes it into the system). On the upside I am also now free to talk about this in therapy without holding back 🙄

March 2021:

Does anyone not feel completely exhausted after this week? I know for many people the news has been very triggering and somehow divisive. While I don’t personally understand how women’s safety or mental health support can be divisive, I have felt very overwhelmed and triggered by the onslaught of news and public opinions on some things that hit very close to home. So today I have put my phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’, gone and screamed at the sea then gone back to bed to binge watch TV shows that make me happy. Then sometimes I find that writing helps my brain so there’s this…

Every woman I know has been harassed and/or assaulted by a man. Society would have us believe that is down to our own stupid decisions; about what we wear, where we go and how we act. But I really think it is the people doing the harassing and assaulting who should be held accountable for their decisions. No one chooses to become a survivor but a perpetrator makes an active choice to harass/assault/rape/murder etc.

The most damaging abuse that I’ve experienced was inflicted by a woman. However, it is not women I’m concerned by as I go about my day. Violence against women is an issue that men should be fighting. No one is saying women aren’t capable of terrible things and no not all men are directly guilty of violence toward women. But the somewhat unsurprising statistic (at least unsurprising for women) that 71% of all women in the UK have experienced sexual harassment (the % is much higher within certain age groups) says that certainly most, if not all, men are responsible for the culture surrounding women, sex and violence, whether or not its intentional. If the majority of the female population is experiencing harassment then it cannot possibly be down to just a few ‘bad eggs’, it’s endemic. And so long as there are people out there who think its ok to respond to that statistic with “lets make it 100%” then we are not safe.

Women are constantly on alert because for some reason we are expected to be responsible for not only our own behaviour but that of the men around us. This seems more than a tad unfair and it’s bloody exhausting! We are taught to amend our behaviour to try and avoid danger, and even when we do all these things we can’t guarantee we will avoid it. But why is it that we are to blame for someone else’s actions towards us? Surely it would make far more sense to try and remove or at the very least reduce the danger in the first place. So for all the people out there on the #notallmen bandwagon: seriously?! Do you want a medal because you haven’t knowingly caused harm to a woman?! I too manage this on a daily basis, as do many others without expecting praise for it. Not knowingly causing harm to anyone (or anything for that matter), should be the minimum standard, with everyone taking steps to do their best to continually educate themselves so as not to unintentionally cause harm either. I don’t think that is unreasonable. Besides that, no one is actually saying #allmen (as far as I’m aware) but it is almost #alwaysmen and with the statistics of harassment and assault as high as they are it clearly shows that there is an issue with mens attitudes and behaviours towards and about women. When the safest thing a woman can do is to accept these crappy situations they end up in, as any form of rejection no matter how polite tends to end with escalation, I think it shows that there certainly is an issue but its not one woman are in a position to solve. We don’t need rescuers. We need to not be in situations where we might need rescuing in the first place! So when you hear or see inappropriate behaviours: call that shit out – no matter how uncomfortable it may be. Chances are it is both safer and more effective for a man to call out a man than if a woman does it, as apparently women don’t have the respect needed to be worthwhile listening to.

Last year I made what should have been an inconsequential decision that ended up being a life altering one… I chose to walk home. A walk that should have taken 10 minutes down a well lit, busy street turned into a 2.5hr trip around Clapham Common. Granted the assault itself did not last that long but the subsequent thoughts and feelings did not exactly leave me with much regard for myself, so stumbling around the common and roads around where I lived trying to call people, distract myself, contemplating drowning myself, ultimately opting harming myself would inconvenience the fewest people before finally going home to vomit in the privacy of my own room sufficed.

And yet maybe I can consider myself lucky because at least I made it home. Can anyone truly tell me that isn’t utterly fucked up?!

Women should be able to dance home stark naked and completely wasted, if they were so inclined, without being harassed/assaulted/killed. Just going about our day should not have to involve the many internal risk assessments we all do because: “what were you wearing?”, “where were you?”, “who were you with”, “how’d you travel?”, “what did you consume?”, “what time of day was it?”, “whats your sexual history?”, “whats your history with drugs and alcohol?”, “how was your mental health before and after” and on and on the list goes. By the way these are all things I was asked when I decided to get help and subsequently report the assault. The help and support I received was actually brilliant, or rather all the people were, which sadly is not everyones experience. But all the professionals that had to ask me these questions also sat there knowing and often verbalising how they know that ultimately none of those details should be important, the only relevant fact should be “you were harmed”, but thats how the system is: broken and unfair. The entire system has the tables tilted towards offenders. I do not know my attacker and theres good chance I won’t ever know who it was. What I can be pretty sure of is that the consequences (at least so far) of that incident have been far more disruptive to my life that it probably has his. I’m the one who has had to relive the experience several times and in order to report – I’ve also had to do this on camera (not exactly my favourite thing under good circumstances), I’ve had the most invasive medical exam I’m ever likely to receive (granted the Dr who did it was incredibly sensitive and understanding), I had to take birth control, which is something I had always chosen to avoid, and my menstrual cycle has never been the same, I’ve taken my first ever pregnancy test along with all the joys of STI testing and Hep B injections, I’ve had to give up my clothing for DNA, I’ve given multiple swabs from my body, I’ve had to revisit the same areas (thanks to the pandemic the Common – the place I was assaulted became my only green outdoor exercise space), I’ve had increased anxiety, panic attacks and depression, the police process is still ongoing and is likely to be for quite some time and in the mean time it is advised I don’t get certain types of therapy or talk specifically about this instance in therapy as this may go against me should the case ever end up in court. Seems fair. All this just in case it wasn’t difficult enough to speak out in the first place, when you know that many people will react by questioning and judging your behaviour/choices, you will struggle to not analyse and judge your own behaviour because society has taught us these things are our responsibility and we can prevent it. One of my very own responses in the moment was “I can’t get away so if I just let it happen he’ll be done quicker and I can go”, from then on it’s hard to not judge your own behaviour – ‘I should’ve tried harder to stop it’, ‘I let it happen’ or ‘maybe I didn’t do enough to prevent this from happening so I bought this on myself’ – all the self blaming that has been ingrained in us when in reality we shouldn’t have to be permanently trying to prevent people harassing us, and actually you may have kept yourself from worse by not ‘trying/fighting harder’. But, then again, maybe they just won’t believe you at all – after all I hear we women are very prone to overreactions and hysteria.

So, men… tell me again how tough you have it.

My sincere condolences to Sarah Everards family and friends.

For anyone in need of help/support/resources:

www.thehavens.org.uk – A network of SARCs (Sexual Assault Referral Centre) across London. This is were I went and they were and continue to be an incredible support and a wealth of information.

www.samaritans.org

www.mind.org.uk

And if anyone wants/needs to talk feel free to message me x

13 Reasons Why Not

With my own struggles I have found many reasons why, far more than 13. However, the why nots are far more important, a much better focus and something I have been able to hold onto.

To be clear I am not justifying suicide or saying it’s explainable/logical or that others are to blame for it. Although there may be the odd exception, generally suicide and/or suicidal thoughts/ideation/urges etc are a consequence of poor mental health.

Every person on the planet has an effect on everyone else to some extent. But I am going to scale it down and just look at those whose paths actually cross. The effect can be positive or negative, but no one person will be exclusively one. Either way people can often be completely oblivious to their own impact on others, and when this idea is explored it is regularly the negative that gets noticed, and in part that’s good – shine the light on the problems so the opportunity is open for something to be done. However, I believe that it is at least equally important, if not more so, to give recognition to those who cross your path with a positive impact. When people are given the opportunity to see the ripple like effects of both who they are and their behaviour they can better know themselves and, if they choose to, change but with a truer picture of their impact and identity. Everyone has someone in their life who thinks they are great, whether they show or share their thoughts and feelings or not. No one is unimportant. No one is useless. Being unable to see your worth does not render you worthless.

Why am I writing this?

I started writing this just for myself, simply as a creative outlet and a way of trying to stay positive and remember all the good in my life. Generally I am quite a negative/pessimistic and cynical person, I am also someone who, thanks to life experience alongside a genetic predisposition, struggles with/through anxiety and depression. So, I find that it is important for me to remind myself of the good stuff, it’s not all doom and gloom. Some days I have to really force myself to see and focus on the positive, it’s not always easy and is certainly not something I have perfected, but we press on.

Once I began, I started thinking how people want to make a difference in the world and every person does, often without even knowing or acknowledging for themselves, but also how people don’t generally tell each other of the impact others have had on them. At least not until one’s funeral, by which time it’s a bit late to be of any use to said person. How messed up is that?! So I decided I also wanted to use this as a way of letting people that I have crossed paths with know the impact they have had on my life, knowingly/intentionally or not, and thanking them. I think it is important to let people know of the difference they make, even when they are unaware they can be doing good just by being themselves. How fulfilling is it to know that who you are is enough; no qualifications, no training or special measures, just you being yourself had a positive effect on another person’s life – to the point where you may have saved another’s life by doing nothing more than being you! I want to let these people know the difference they make to just this one person, of the many people they will have met and are still to meet. I want to thank them for the part they’ve played in my life and know they are part of the reason I have been able to stick around. So as awkward as it can feel to give and/or receive compliments (especially with the joys of British culture), suck it up and take it!

Each grouping/person/thing on this list is something I hope to expand on at some point. But so far this is what I’ve got…

You are my 13 reasons and I am so infinitely grateful to each one of you. In true X factor style; this list is in no particular order; no one person’s being is any better or more important than another’s, just different.

• Mum
• Dad
• Kirsty
• Rhiannon
• Callum
• Family I have gained: Rowlands, Ziegelmeiers, Jo B, Leah, Alan & Hilary, Jo D, Hawkins
• Friends: Cole Close(David&Fran), Michelle, Weird & Wonderful (Eyelash, Rose, Jess, Charlotte), Ange, Sam, Dani L
• Key People: Bev, Charise, Charlotte (TT+3), Gill (Samuel) Amanda, Jokkie, Miss Sturges, Mrs Richings, Janine, Hamish, Nibarna

It’s not always people you know or even people at all, sometimes you can find the good and beauty in other things:

• What I do/who I am/purpose
• Music
• Books
• People I don’t actually (personally) know but admire/what they’ve chosen to share has helped me in some way/inspirations
• Places

In the interest of transparency: I have no expectations from writing this and no expectations for those named (or not).

The Voice That is My Escape – S/He Is We

As with many people, music is a huge influence, inspiration and outlet for me. There is much amazing music out there across all different genres and I love what it can do for people both on a personal level and in bringing people together. There are many musicians and much music that I love and admire, but this post is specifically aimed at the workings of Rachel Taylor who is a singer and songwriter that heads up He Is We, who have somehow managed to never release a song I don’t like or relate to in someway.

This past weekend I got to see He Is We perform in London, they were awesomedary! Rachel also took the time to meet and talk with everyone individually after the show, which was not only unexpected but I got the opportunity to get some of my ‘Thank You’ out in person, granted probably not very eloquently due to my shyness, awkwardness  and general lack of social skills. Nevertheless, this was still a great highlight for me. She was really lovely, encouraging and she shared a bit more of her story with me. I also got the (not so deep) bonus of her making Callum blush because of his “nice face” – always fun.

Rachel also did an album as She Is We called War, a darker album but a ‘stand out’ one for me, as it faces some issues that hit rather close to home: the battle with ones own mind, anxiety, depression, PTSD and the feelings of being in, getting out and the aftermath of a toxic relationship. When listening to this album, for me, it’s as if Rachel managed to get into my head and heart and capture that and put what was there to music, giving words to what I couldn’t. This was really quite weird to hear as it was terrifyingly accurate, verging on feeling invasive, especially after a long time of hiding/attempting to hide all that was going on inside. It also gave me a way of sharing my feelings without having to sit there and go through them with someone myself, e.g. I could just be like: “Mum this is it, this is what I’ve been feeling etc, just listen to this”. It was a massive relief to find words that I didn’t have to compile myself and also to know that means I’m not the only one that feels and thinks that way, even if it was someone I’d never know.

So… Rachel, though I have now had the opportunity to meet you and thank you in person (and thank you for that) theres more. Thank you so much for who you are, what you do and how you do it. Thank you for the difference you have made to this just one person of the many that you have and will come across. I hate so much what you have gone through to be able to have connected like this, but I so love how you’ve channeled it, I’m sure it hasn’t been easy, and that you’ve been brave enough to share on such a public level, it truly is amazing. Thank you for being so honest and open and for sharing your talent. Thank you for making me feel less alone, less crazy and for somehow being a safe place of understanding without even knowing me.

And finally, as is often the case for many of my ‘Reasons Why Not‘, though I do not envy how you got to be who you are, where you are and how you are today, I do envy the beautiful person you are regardless of it all. Keep leading the fight on.

Thank You.

Elspeth x

I may have suggested that she touch his “nice face”

The Awesomeness of Some Special Needs Parents I’m Grateful To Know

I recently read a piece of writing by a parent of a child with additional needs about how isolating it can be. I found it heartbreaking. I look after kids with additional needs and I love it! I don’t pity the kids, partly because ‘whats that gonna do?!’ but also I refuse to dwell on the what ifs of whatever made them the way they are, I just enjoy who they are now and who they will be (I just wish I could be better at that for the rest of the world, but my optimism seems somewhat limited to these guys). For me spending time with kids who are differently abled is life giving. However, I find it devastating for the parents/primary caregivers that they will be treated differently and often unfairly just because of who their kids are. They not only have to deal with their own struggles and whatever traumas got them there in the first place but also the traumas and struggles that their kids will experience (even in cases when the child may seem oblivious). So not only do they have the worries of that of a parent of a neurotypical child (general social, physical and emotional etc) but alongside that there’s medical worries with numerous hospital and therapy visits, trying to figure out what’s best for the child often with very little communication from the child, dealing with social services, schools, house adaptations, varying equipment that can help their child reach “normal” goals etc and unfortunately often a world of people who just don’t get it, but will probably still have an opinion. Which means friends can become distant and new people won’t always approach, often just because they feel a bit uncomfortable. But these are the parents who perhaps need more support than most. These parents tend to be pretty impressive, amazing people and to not know them is to miss out.

 

I am fortunate enough to work alongside one of the most impressive women I know, who just so happens to fit this ‘category’ (though I think she’s pretty damn great anyways). Charlotte is a superhero (FACT). She is an amazingly resilient person, I am constantly in awe of her and how she deals with all that life dishes out. This hero has 4 kids, as if that’s not crazy enough – she has 6yr old triplets and a 3yr old (plus 2 dogs)! Her beautiful triplets were born very premature and as a result 2 of them developed cerebral palsy. Any parent has to be pretty strong/resilient/brave but to deal with this especially with as much grace, care, humour and love as she does really takes a superwoman! I will never be able to give Charlotte as much as she’s given me nor will I be able to be as much help as I would like – I am not superwoman. Helping out with what I can is what I do and will continue to do for as long as I can, and although I give as much as she will allow me to, I always wish I could do more. I can see that she gets treated differently and has to watch her kids get treated differently because of the way they are, and it sucks. Yet this has not seemed to impact her ability to always be looking out for everyone else, to be giving and to see the good in people.

Charlotte, I don’t envy how you got to be who you are/everything you’ve been through but I do somewhat envy who you are regardless. I’m sure all this took time and some work and, as everyone does, I’m sure you’ve had your moments but you truly are  a fantastic mum and an amazing person, albeit perhaps a little too selfless. Your kids are also amazing, I mean all kids have their moments but still, they’re great and I love you guys. Thank you for taking a chance on me, thank you for being so great to me, thank you for being patient, thank you for being available to chat, thank you for sharing some of your story with me and letting me share mine. Thank you for sharing life with me, thank you for letting me be a part of your kids lives. I am so grateful to know you. Thank you for being who you are. You may not be flawless/perfect but you are pretty damn great whether or not you feel like it at any given moment.

 

Prior to where I am now, I was lucky enough to be allowed into the lives of another family that fits this ‘category’. I’ve known Dave & Gill probably since I was about 10 years old but I never really got to know them until I came to live with them in Bath for a short while; so I could help them out with Samuel while gaining invaluable experience myself. Samuel is their second child, who shortly after being born contracted meningitis which ultimately resulted in a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. (I could go on about how wonderful Samuel is, but I’ll save that for another time/post). Dave & Gill have dealt with all the problems they’ve faced with amazing strength, grace and unity, which is amazing to see. But for me, personally, them letting me into their family for a time helped remind me how much I love caring for people, particularly kids with additional needs which helped me decide what kind of thing I wanted to do next and without that experience I may not be where I am now – in a job that I love with another great family I love.

Dave, Gill, Ruben & Samuel: I am so very grateful to you guys for letting me into your family and ultimately sparking some purpose for me in a time when I really didn’t have a clue what I was doing. I am also so grateful to just know Samuel and also to see the great example you guys set of a family truly working together. Thank You!

 

 

 

Siblings

The paradoxical nature of family relationship: there’s no one who you will hate or love more than those few people. In most cases no one will ever understand and know you like your family does. Particularly your siblings, no one shares as much life experience with you as them, as you all grow up together with similar life events and the same parents, so no one understands your teen angst like those who have had the same or similar rules (ridiculous or not) imposed upon them while trying to navigate life at a stage where you are beginning to discover who you are. Not many people get to witness as much of your history as they do.

Kirsty

Kirsty is my best friend, she is also my big sister, so naturally I grew up both idolising her and fighting her about everything. Unavoidably the day did come when I figured she wasn’t perfect, we didn’t have to agree on everything and I didn’t need her approval. But ultimately she is my ‘go to’ person for most things and the person I am most comfortable around. She is also someone who I respect and admire. I am very lucky to have Kirsty as my big sister.

> I love you tonnes Kirsty and I’m so glad we get to share all our crazinesses together without any shame or judgement, and usually with a huge helping of humour.

Rhiannon

Rhiannon is my younger sister and quite possibly my polar opposite. But somehow we’ve made it through the past 23 years. Our personalities and how we view life are often really very different and she is probably the sibling I have fought with the most, but through all that I think we’ve managed to come to terms with and accept (possibly even respect) our differences and focus on our shared likes and experiences, which in the long term have enabled us to become closer. Nowadays we just tend to work on an ‘agree to disagree’ and ‘to each their own’ basis, but not without first putting our own 2 cents worth in (of course- we are Sanders’ after all). And regardless of all our differences I know that Rhiannon will drop whatever even if I just need to chat!

> I love you Rhiannon, a lot a lot. I love how easy you are to talk to and to have a laugh with. I love our nothingy conversations that are pretty much just a bunch of random film/tv quotes we yell at each other, regardless of how inappropriate (the timing or the quote). I love that there’s no embarrassment with us and no ‘guilty pleasures’ but a mutual love of “rubbish” films, tv, music and hating on ‘stupid people’ (so basically everyone). Finding the hilarity in absolute ridiculousness probably about sums us up.

Callum

The baby of the family, my, not so little, little brother. There seems to be a general consensus that Callum is an all round great guy, and as much as I might like to argue with that, it is true. Of course we have also fought over the years but when we were younger he was my little buddy who I could do ‘boy’ things with; action man, football, bikes, rollerblading and other outside things rather than the pink fluffy theme of my sisters. In more recent years Callum has become an easy going guy who is easy to get on with (as long as he is kept fed) but still my buddy. We are a family full of strong personalities and opinions, which I love, but unlike the rest of us big mouths Callum doesn’t necessarily feel the need to share his opinions with the whole world, which is not only a nice change for most people that meet our family but also a quality that I admire!

> I love you loads Callum. I think you are ace! I love how easy going you are and what a genuinely decent person with a good heart you are (please ignore how corny that sounds). I love it when we can have proper chats but also how easy you are to just hang out with (even though we can’t make a decision between us to save our lives). And of course I love that you are my Game of Thrones/“holy f*ckadoodles what just happened?!” buddy.